Why do I love?

That's all I want to know.


It's just a simple, complex fucking emotion and it's useless. It does nothing but hurt until you have it back. Nothing else is like that; I can live without bliss for a day.

And I sure as hell can live without sorrow for a day. But love, why -oh why- must it torment me? Why do women, why do men, why does anyone subject him or herself to this....it's beyond me. I can't go on bearing the fact that every time I try to take a chance, I get shut out; yet, if I don't take the chance, I know I've changed nothing.

She chose being "sometimes" happy with him as apposed to always happy with me. Why would you call someone perfect, if they're not going to be you're choice. I never ask from her for anything, why am I throwing myself out on a limb? All I said was to make her own choice, instead of telling him you'd date him again just to make him happy. I told her to make herself happy. (Though, I know deep down, that's me; her only real excuse for not being with me is that I live in Erie, one hour and twenty minutes from her) She said she couldn't deal with that distance. I told her I've done it before, and the relationship worked...for a while (oh, past, I forsake you.) I told her it's not for me, she doesn't even have to choose me; just don't be with him.

Eh, I tried not to be selfish, I said I'd come home every single weekend. It won't work. So, he plans on going to a school, which they both got accepted to. If she doesn't go there, she'll be at most 10 minutes from me, or at the same school I'm at; what then, does distance apply to him to?!

I love her, and she loves me. Yet here I am...blogging to vent emotion. I should've chased after her. I should have not given in. I'm letting her slip away again.

"I don't wanna lose you..." she told me.

It's hard to keep me when I can't be there. I'm not just her friend and she'll never learn that, I think. I don't think you can have your two cakes and eat them both.

Let's settle in; if only for a while.

I'm home now. For the next three weeks.

It's weird thinking of two places being my home; I was so used to calling my dorm home. I mean, all of my stuff was there and now it's back here! I mean, I had to bring my clothes, computer, blankets, and by choice games and movies...but still.

It feels good to be home though, and I can't wait to see some friends that have gone elsewhere. Denny's, here I come! God, it's been forever since I've been there.

Please rape my face...

I'm bored shitless outta my mind. I honestly don't know what I am going to do if I ever have to live on my own. That being said, I therefore must always have a companion, whether it be a best friend or a roommate, or a girlfriend; preferably the latter (which means the last subject in a series).

Chris left earlier today and could not take me home. Nick abandoned me. So it was just Vince and I, because Andy left as well. So we had fun for a total of about 15 minutes. Then I started watching the Borne Ultimatum and then I passed the fuck out. I feel bad that I left Vince alone to sit around and do nothing. I woke up at 11:40, because Kathryn called me and I was too sleepy to talk, so I told her I would call her when I woke up. Then I set my alarm and slept some more.

I regret ever napping as I can no longer get to sleep. It is 1:26 AM here. I wish I knew how to change the time on my blogs. Anyone reading them is not going to fully be aware of how late at night I write. Fuck me, right?! I never write early on in the day, it's too uncomfortable. I always find myself doing papers and the sort late at night, for some reason, I think the best then.

It's just a habit, I suppose.

Not tonight...

Don't really expect much for tonight, sorry.

Who the hell am I even talking to anyway? O.o

I've gotta study mad-crazy for my German final tomorrow.

Night night.

So, today was the first day of finals....

And I'll have to admit, I was a bit worried over nothing.

I mean, I spent hours last night studying for my communications final this morning. It was one of two that I am altogether actually worried about and the second being my German history and culture exam on Wednesday; but, I'll study for that later. I also had my math final today, which was probably the biggest knock-off joke ever. I finished it in 11 minutes. Then, I laughed the entire walk back up to my dorm. That was around noon 15 that I arrived back at my room, and I've been here ever since. Doing nothing; hold up, it's eleven-eleven, making a wish.

So ya, I just did that. My friend Kylie got me on it and now it's just something I do. But why wish for something? Like I've said, I'm a realist and an optimist and I don't let hopes and dreams get in my way of my reality. It's just life and that's how it rolls. I have to retract a lot of what I said last night about women, I over-reacted. Truth is: I love someone who is, obviously, very special to me. I love her tenderly and with all of my heart and, though she says it too, we're not together, with one-another, whatever; but, I don't think we ever will be. Kathryn and I just have a very extensive, four - almost five - year history together, and I've loved her since day one.

Oh my, the irony.

On a side-note, Chris and I pulled a very funny prank on our suitemates earlier today. Only because they've pranked us twice this semester. So what we did was this: we took many gay porn pictures and put them in a hidden folder on each of their computers and then setup a program that auto-switched their desktop backgrounds every 5 seconds from a photo among said folder. We thought it was hilarious. Vince, however, did not. Andy laughed at him, poking fun saying, "Hah, open it back up, I wanna see your gay porn, faggot." Little did he realize it was on his computer too, but he soon found out.

Oh the laughs.

No Bang-Bang Boogie

Though it's entirely enjoyable, sex isn't what any relationship should be based on. At least, not for me.

And I'm tired of females assuming otherwise when then correspond with me.

Nick and I were having a talk, discussing the events of the day today, and I've come to realize that no matter what you tell a woman, they're dead set on thinking they're gonna get screwed over "cause it happens to women everywhere". Well, as a defense, women retaliate and screw men over. This just in: the "being-dicked-over" ratio is pretty much 1:1 now.

I've been fucked over so many times this semester that it makes me laugh at how many attempts at happiness I actually made! Nick and I are right. Women aren't worth hunting after.

Though I do love women. And I do love her. I can't not be in love with her.

I heart Nick

For real though, Nick's one of my best friends here at Penn State. I'm grateful for having lived in the same hall as him, because I honestly wouldn't have met him otherwise. I know, this sounds ridiculously sexually questionable, but I'm making a point.

The point is: it's good to have good friends. Close friends. Who are you without someone close to you? You're yourself, that's true, but what's the point in being alive if you don't live a little and with someone to share that experience with to boot.

My roommate Chris, is one of my best friends from high school. We weren't even that great of friends until our junior year, and still were not that close until the summer before college. So, when people told us "you two are just going to despise each other or grow apart", we laughed, because we had a different bond to begin with. We went to college becoming great friends, so we learned to deal with each other during the entire first semester, which pretty much ended yesterday.

And I actually met Nick at the beginning of the semester, but I just thought (being in the honors hall) he was just some other "nerd" or "geek" who wasn't going to be social enough for me (because Chris and I already didn't fit in with everyone) to really have anything in common with. Funny thing is, we didn't even start hanging out until about halfway through the semester! Though, and this is gay, we immediately "clicked" because we just instantly made up inside jokes on the spot, and that's what any real friendship is about, insider-stuff.

Then there's our suitemates, Andy and Vince, who also happened to be friends from their respective high school. For the first week or so, we didn't really associate except for move-in day and the occasional bumping-into-each other-in-the-kitchen/bathroom. Chris had conversed maybe twice with them and assumed "they're cool, I guess" until he left me for a weekend. Shit, I had nothing at all to do. So I walked over and started talking to them. Turns out they were just like Chris and I, socially lost in an unsocial environment. So the three of us went out looking for things to do. Eventually, we came back to the dorm without having done anything at all. No parties and no fun. Day by day we associated more until the four of us became great roommates and friends. Then "Wicked Wednesdays" happened every week, since we couldn't find the fun, we brought the fun to us. Then Nick joined the fray; then the semester ended and now I am upset that I'll be gone for a few weeks.

It's all good though.

I can look forward to good memories being made with good friends.

Testing...

So, I already know this is going to work; clearly, as this site is the number one ranked in popularity on the Google-page. But, I just want to use this as an excuse for a first "test" blog...so to speak.

Here's a poem, as I will do this frequently.

The Darkness and Them

They look like darkness.
They do not embrace it though.
It has not yet encompassed them,
but I fear they will not know;
they won't know when they meld,
the darkness and them.

It's ironic because when they walk in darkness,
they do so with their heads held high,
their noses skyward with pride
and their eyes open wide.
And when the light shows them beauty,
unveils the color of the world and
banishes the darkness,
they sink their heads down.
Their noses hide in the earth
and their eyes are blinded by glorious truth.
It's just ironic
tha they embrace the darkness
and cower in the light.