Missing Someone Isn’t as Terrible as Having No One to Miss.

How insanely cliche, yet aptly titled. I can't really help it; I mean, I spent literally seven minutes working on a stupid title. But that's how I am, artsy, yet literate. It's who I am. And who I am is a loving, writing, expressing bug of emotion. It's never terrible to miss someone when that person is worth the wait to see them again.

For years, and I mean literally "years" (plural), I've watched as how the biggest mistake I've ever made haunted me day in and day out. Every so often, to take my mind off of the torment, exaggerated of course, I'd occupy myself with someone, "get involved" as you would say. I am Casablanca, multiple lovers for those of you who do not know my allusion. I've loved a few, and dated money, and yet my insatiable appetite for love has never been satisfied. That's the biggest tormentor, I believe.

But, as I willingly allowed, what I find out now to be, the greatest thing in my life to walk away on a whim, I realize what a terribly, disturbingly good decision that was that I made almost five years ago. I don't believe in Fate, or destiny; hell, I barely believe in things happening for a reason, but if this were ever an example I'll go with it! Because here it is, some five years later, in my life again; chance, I call it. Ridiculous and blind chance. Holy damn do I love the way some things work out.

Listen, the reason I said it was a "good" decision to abandon that which I am now absolutely in love with is this: if I didn't, the way I feel now may not exist, and that's just something I'd rather not think about. I mean, what if I kept to it years ago, and it was just another casanovic fling. I'd be here again, with someone completely unreliable and disgustingly unloving. WOW, good thing that never happened.

Concern: though I love her, more than anything else in the world; things aren't ready. Commitment, loving caress, lovers rendezvous on weekends and money spent to see one another, though unreachable and disallowing finances may say otherwise, have happened. I vow myself to no one else, lest she differs. I hope she may do the same. Nothing's ready, apparently. Somehow, for now, that's fine. I've waited about five years now, so what's a little more time; she's worth a lifetime as it is anyway.